So, my headaches and eye issue turned out to be very serious. I've been at Stanford Hospital since Friday afternoon. Got admitted on Friday evening, spent all of Friday in their lovely ER. (Not so much)

I'm completely out of my depth, I've lost a weeks worth of work, I'm broke, can't pay my cell phone bill now, and don't know how I'm gonna pay for this visit. All the meds, all the food, and just me occupying the bed must be expensive. I almost don't want to order food off the menu, because it has no price and I'm nervous about racking up money.

They told me yesterday that my white blood cells are very elevated in my spinal fluid, and that I have cells period in there is bad. My optical nerve, and retina are inflamed and I can't see out of my right eye, so they've got me on IV steroids and fluids for now.

On that note, I've created a little paypal fundraiser thingy, if anyone could help, that'd be awesome.

(no subject)

I still feel like there are steel bands gripped around my chest. I can breathe now, but they've only loosened a bit, and not gone away. Time will heal as it does, but I have to be patient and wait. I'm working on distance, silence, patience, and forgiveness. All virtues I haven't practiced all that much. I've been knitting my woes into hats, releasing my worries through my hands into loops and twists of yarn. It's amazingly comforting.


The Doctor,
the azure intensity of the sky,
blue, all of it,
sketching, wondering,
getting beaten by a single letter E,
long nights, ending in cuddles
abrupt sex, casual caresses,
fondling each other in the kitchen,
driving to a mountain top under the full moon,
the clutter of us.

Laundry, dishes, cooking,
forts, sheets, pillows and oddities,
reprimands while reading,
because I want to share, all the time,
happiness so intense it made me cry,
fuzzy socks that keep me warm,
and warm my heart more than my feet,
all these things.

They don't just remind me of you.
They are you.

life is changing

Jon broke up with me on the 18th. He's not coming back, at least not right now, possibly never. But, Never say Never. I am getting on my feet. I paid my part of rent this month, and have 230 dollars left over. I got an offer to move to Los Gatos, which I think I am going to take up, and its free of rent for 3 months. So I am going to buy my friends car for 700 I think, drive to work, try to get a second job, and save up as much as I possibly can. Chris and Chantell, two friends of mine that really, I have gotten through this break up (at least have gotten closer to because of it) have been amazingly helpful. They are wonderful people. oddly enough, Chris and Laura, my other "chris couple" of friends have also been immeasurably helpful. I don't know what I would do without my friends. I think I'm going to get through this, and maybe by July I can get my own place and be able to live alone without assistance.

The porch light isn't lit

The full moon
lit the way for me
tonight, all blue
Reminding me you left
when the moon was new.
Reminding me- just how long you've been gone
and reminding me
that it'll be okay.
The moon will still shine
and go through her phases
And we'll be under the moon together
even far apart.

rambling plans

I am in love. Utterly and unrestrainedly in love. I am happy. I can say this without strings, ties or pulls. I have gotten out of the house, am working, am grumbling about work (sometimes heatedly) and have something to do. I am looking forward to starting up school again in April. I am turning 22 this year. SO many good things. I have a home. We're practically middle class now. We can afford to eat out at a restaurant if we want to. And I am going to be saving and chipping away at my mountain of debt, then learning to not make another one (with the goddesses blessing hopefully I'll never be in another car accident) and hopefully not get in an accident to make one.

Plans to move to Washington state are coming along. I am going to try to get my prerequisites finished this year, so I can enroll there next year, and start my BS-RN to RNM to Masters in Midwifery eventually.

The Road goes ever on and on, Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with eager feet, Until it joins some larger way; Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say.

Jon told me a great analogy that he had stumbled upon in years past. The past is a solid, unmovable, while the present is a liquid, movable through some things, but not all. The future though, is a vapor, a gas not yet formed and stable, and can ever be changed and have change done upon it. I know not what this next year will bring, but I am in high spirits, and though I will eventually be leaving those I love behind to continue on in school, I feel this is the way that is right, and the way to happiness.

I hope.


I'm dealing with a weird sort of depression I think. I'm fatigued all the time. This isn't oh I'm lazy, this is ultimate fatigue. Like today for example...erm yesterday. (see I haven't been to bed yet) I got up at 8 am feeling fine, then around 2pm all of a sudden I essentially blacked out. I could NOT keep my eyes open. I tried. All of a sudden I just slipped under, and woke up at 6pm or so. I feel completely useless, and don't know what to do with myself. I need to get out more. I realized a few days before christmas that I hadn't been out of the house for 4 consecutive days. I think I'm going to start biking to the yarn shop 3 times a week, get some exercise, and some social interaction. They have an open knitting circle/ stitch and bitch all day long, and anyone is welcome. the moment that might be my salvation. Though...I think I may be developing carpal tunnel syndrom from knitting too much. Ugh. At least I got 3 scarves done in a month. Jon's scarf was done a few weeks ago, finished Renee's scarf Christmas eve night, and finished Kelsey's today. I think I'm going to start on a hat tomorrow/today, and perhaps an eggplant.

I got this nifty book for christmas that has a bunch of fun patterns like how to knit an eggplant, garlic, tomatoes, carrots, and then sea creatures like starfish, angler fish, the loch ness monster...hehe. I'm totally stoked about doing them. If anyone wants to learn to knit and come knit with me that'd be fantastic. Maybe I'll just stay up all day to try to fix my sleep schedule. I thought I was doing so well yesterday, then I got all stressed out about Hart (my pet snake I got for Christmas) and kind of had an anxiety attack. Jon has been really good to me and putting up with all my shit. He's absolutely wonderful, and I'm not really sure how he does it.


So I've been doing a whole lot of nothing lately. Been sleeping too much, got my hours all switched about. Trying to not get into a funk cause I feel it coming on. Had a good weekend, seems like it was way too damned long. My friends Garrick, Sharon, Jessica and Casey came over and we made a SHITLOAD of cookies. I mean a preposterous amount of cookies. We ended up going out to buy some butter just in case, and used 7 sticks of butter, a ton of flour and sugar, and a crazy amount of chocolate chips and cherries. And to top things off I made beef stew for dinner with about a bottle of red wine thrown in. It was freaking delicious, if I do say so myself. But now it's back to work for Jon, and back to...looking for work for me. I've been applying for jobs like crazy, and even though I've got some interviews, I feel kind of useless. *shrug* I need to do something to keep me busy, but nothing seems to be right. *shrug* I guess I just feel apathetic.

Something will come, it always does. I just wish I could get a little luck in life. Just an opportunity, You know?

books meme stolen from teh eric

first lines meme
Post the first line (or few lines) from ten of your favorite books, then let people guess (in the comments) what books they're from.

1. It was little more than three miles from the Wall into the Old Kingdom, but that was enough. Noonday sunshine could be seen on the other side of the Wall in Ancelstierre, and not a cloud in sight.

2. I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Arragon comes this night to Messina.

3. it had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle.

4. There was once an old Queen whose husband had been dead for many years, and she had a very beautiful daughter. When she grew up she was betrothed to a Prince in a distant country.

5. Once upon a time there was a woman who was a real witch and she had two daughters; one was ugly and wicked, but she loved her because she was her own daughter. The other was good and lovely, but she hated her for she was only her step-daughter.

6. He lived at home with his mother, for he was unmarried. When she urged him to find a bride he answered, "I can only catch enough fish to feed two, so while you are alive I will not marry."

7. A magical barrier had separated the realms of the gods form the mortal realms for over four hundred years.

8. "Call her for me," he said. "Tell her I have had the strangest dreams, that they were about the twins. You must call her!"

9. In my time I have been called many things: sister, lover, priestess, wise-woman, queen. Now in truth I have come to be wise-woman, and a time may come when these things may need to be known.

10. The trouble with Harrowby Hall was that it was haunted, an, what was worse, the ghost did not merely appear at the bedside of a person but remained there for one mortal hour before it disappeared.

Yeah have fun with that kids!


Jon and I had our 'semi-versary' last night and it was QUITE nice. We cuddled and took a nap in the afternoon because we both got home from work early, then he surprised me with 6 red roses and a very nice home cooked meal that he put together all by himself. We spent the whole night together, and fell asleep very late.

On another note, I watched "Hotel Rwanda" for the first time and cried. I am sickened by the hatred of people in the world and the way that someone could kill out of self righteousness. Its slightly ridiculous how much something effects me, but I nearly had to shut it off while going through some of the worst scenes.

I've got a couple babysitting jobs this weekend, getting some extra money, unfortunately that kind of cuts in to my friend hanging out time. I at least get to go to game, but I won't be at my house warming party thing. Seems a bit silly, but I'm sure I'll be home by 1 or so, so maybe I can see some people I know.

3 weeks into my internship, 3 left to go, Its going really well, and I love actually being out there and doing good. It's an amazing feeling to be doing something good for people. I'm glad I chose this profession, and I think I'm going to be able to go very far with it. *sigh* here I come masters or 6 years.

October 17th would have been my due date. It's kind of bothering me, but in an odd way. So many things change in a blink of an eye.